She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
Randomize
