I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
i believe in u and ur pee
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
Randomize
