So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
