So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
I deserve this hangover.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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