I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
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