Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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