Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Randomize
