so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
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