Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
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