Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
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