U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
I would fuck him just for his dog
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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