I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
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