he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
