My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
Randomize
