Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Randomize