if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
