marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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