Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
