i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
