remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
Please tell me its not ok to love a 17 year old....no matter how hot he is and how sexy his eyebrow ring is oh lord
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
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