At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
Just pee around me
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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