i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
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