chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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