Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
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