I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
