Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize
