life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
she told me i tasted like america
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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