Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
