dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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