It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
Randomize
