i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
