i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
There are few people I can ask this w/o being looked at as insane... Do you ever some days get fascinated by how amazing your own breast look?
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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