I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
