i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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