I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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