I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize
