I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
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