I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
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