he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
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