oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
