Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
Randomize
