You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
He felt like a one man threesome
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Randomize
