Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Randomize
