I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Is it bad that when my prof gave examples of "stalking" behavior, I either have done or would do most of them?
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Randomize
