just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
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