OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
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