it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
