My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
Randomize
