if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
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