Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Randomize
