I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Randomize
