My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
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