dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
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