smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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