I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
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